Depression and Hope

Depression

Depression is evil. It has no mercy, sucking your life right out of you. Before you know it, you’ve become a zombie, lifeless. Instead of living life you are surviving. Nothing brings you joy and your favorite hobbies no longer satisfy you. Depression is a leech, holding on tightly. It whispers all sorts of lies and eventually you believe it. Internalizing brutal negativity. You think you aren’t worth it anymore and you are convinced that life is a drag and happiness is no longer attainable. Believing that it’s better to end your life.

depressionAs you watch your life slip into hell, you no longer feel like socializing. Not even with your closest friends or family. Each day you receive  text messages from loved ones asking to hangout, but you don’t answer. Part of you wants to see them, and the other part convinces you that it is better to stay alone. Handling depression in solitude is agonizing and instead of reaching out, you become voiceless. Not even writing your emotions on paper alleviates your pain.

So instead you run into the kitchen trying to fill in the void with food. You devour everything in your fridge and after doing so it is not enough. Suddenly, you feel disgust after seeing all you have eaten. You become nauseous, vomiting everything.

Weak you drag your feet. It seems like a mile to get to your room. And as you look in the mirror, you can’t recognize the person in front of you. Your hair is a frizzy mess, your face is oily, full of acne due to poor hygiene. Your teeth are pigmented in yellow, from not having the energy to brush it daily. Your eyebrows are bushy from not plucking it nicely. As you start to cry, you fall to the floor gasping for air.

Questioning if its time to end your life. You see in your mind the smiles from your family and friends. You yearn for a hug and can’t remember the last time was you saw them. As you reach for your phone to call for help, depression becomes louder. Trying to convince you that no one will care. Yet there is a part of you holding onto dear life. As you try to get back up, you are full of anger and guilt. Questioning how it even became this bad. That’s when you realize that you have nowhere to go, but back up.

DepressionUse that anger to fuel your recovery because life is worth it. Use your madness to build yourself from the ground up. Life is beautiful, and you can live a fulfilling and happy life  despite having depression. Take my word, as someone who has battled with it all of their life. I know darkness is a scary place to be in, but don’t ever forget to look up at the stars because it will light your way to recovery. Many people ask me if I have fully recovered. The truth is, I haven’t overcome depression 100%. I promise you, I feel happiness now and I have a thirst for life. My determination beats my depression.

I have lived life in agony for so long, that I have promised myself to never go back there. So, never ever look back, and if you do, only look back to see how far you have come. Surround yourself with loved ones that truly care about you. You don’t need t fight depression alone. Look up at the stars and run, run for dear life, run towards your goals. Think of depression as life lesson and not a life sentence.

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